Some Q's

It should be noted, generally, that most of the time I do not know who I am or what the fuck I am doing. Probably a good 80% of the time.

Some of the things I do-I just don't understand them. WHY do I insist on eating a HUGE lunch everyday, getting sleepy and thus not studying as much as I should in the afternoon? WHY can I never seem to sleep enough? WHY am I living in a dorm? WHY do I stalk certain people via convenient social stalking websites and then compare my life to "theirs" when really all I know about their lives is what they post on a social stalking website, which, I know from personal use, is not a representation of who a person is at all? WHY are cracked pepper olive oil triscuits so good? WHY is it so hard to stick to a very strict workout regime? WHY is trader joe's so far away from GULC? HOW did I get into this school? HOW is my hearing so damaged I can barely hear professors? WHO in their right minds ever thought to tell me this career path was a good idea? WHO DESIGNS JEANS AND WHY DON'T THEY DESIGN THEM FOR MY PARTICULAR BODY TYPE?

Just a few questions.

I just want to know who it works out for. I'd love an example. I want one name. ok, CINDERELLA.

Lately I have to literally stop and think, "wait, is this really MY life?" Things are not perfect. Some things are really really not perfect at all. I'm still not even close to touching anything resembling perfection.

But I can't help and have a little bit of hope that maybe things are starting to fit a little bit into place.

My sister is a bit ridiculous but at times entertaining. Apparently she has kept all emails from me to her since I was about 16. As she says, "I was your diary." She was hoping to print them and give them to me as a college graduation present but felt like I "had more work to do on myself."

However, I think I have earned the honor of re-reading my old sappy depressing emails that I wrote.

The biggest change of all, of course, is that I have been accepted to Georgetown Law.

I like saying it. Not so much to friends and family, but mostly to strangers. By strangers I mean my customers at the cafe and restaurant. Not people on the street. I'm not that crazy.

I've been set on Loyola Chicago. It was a bit of a mind-fuck really. The thought of being in Chicago, still my favorite city to date, was lovely. Fi very close by, many other great friends in the area, partying at Derek's. Do I even have to mention Wrigley?! Starting my new life with a support network. I was set on the plan, dealing with the cons and making the best of the situation. LIKE AN ADULT.

And then it was like the gods said "ok, kate, since you are being so grown up and dealing with the hand life has given you sans the help of extremely heavy drinking or more drama than necessary, we will thus give you what you want."

thus...GEORGETOWN.

I already feel more confident. In a good way, not a snobby way. Not in a "I got into a good school" way but more a "I'm ok, I'm going to be ok, if it was loyola it still would have been ok but this could be great" way.

I'm not sure when I lost this confidence. Always, I've said that I'm confident in my abilities. Not so much in myself but my abilities. I think I just figured out that it's not separate.

ALSO, the scene in Pretty Woman when Vivian is leaving Kit makes me cry. EVERY TIME.

i hate everything about applying and waiting back to hear from grad schools.

everything everything everything.

obvi

http://www.amazon.ca/Kate-Aitkens-Canadian-Cook-Book/dp/1552855910

Obviously, I have been a chef in a former life.

NOT angry.

My least favorite drinks to make at work:

-Americano with steamed milk. Do you know what this is? This is a latte with water. This is bullshit. I've started charging extra for the steamed milk. Of course there are times when I have left over milk from an ACTUAL latte, but there are many times I do not and thus have to poor milk and steam it for your SHORT americano with an inch of steamed milk?!?! A short is only 8 ounces to begin with. I hate you.

-16 or 2o ounce cappucino. THESE DO NOT EXIST ASSHOLE. All Italians hate you.

-Triple Decaf Americano. What the hell is the point of getting an extra shot of DECAF espresso? Just get drip if you need the coffee coffee taste. And then telling me about how your shift is extra long today? Really? This is a waste of time.

-A 20 ounce anything. Your drink is too big. Especially you, Raymond. You are already super overweight and your extra sugar free vanilla syrup in the morning does not make up for your 20 ounces of whole milk or the fact that in the afternoon you get a 20 ounce hot chocolate (NOT sugar free) with vanilla (NOT sugar free) and whole milk again. It does not. Also, stop stalking me.

-Soy Chai latte with a shot of espresso. This is very wrong and you are fooling yourself into thinking it tastes good.

-Italian Sodas with cream and whip cream. GROW UP. Buy a pop.

-Anytime you ask me to put a sugar in your drink. THE SUGAR IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU YOU ARE A LAZY ASS.

I'm sure there are more.

a long time ago, we used to be friends.

Veronica Mars is proof that you can lose your best friend, be sexually assaulted, overcome a bad haircut, have an alcoholic mother and still get up everyday and be a fresh-faced ball of sass and sarcasm. And look mighty fine doing it.

Hey, we all have our heroes.

Great Expectations

Expectations is an interesting concept if you think about it.

Like in the movie 500 days of summer, when it plays the scenario of Tom going over to Googly-eyed girls apartment and it splits the screen with the actual events and his expectations of events.

If you change your expectations, you can change how you feel about people/things.

If you don't expect your friend to call, because you know your friend is bad at calling, you don't get disappointed when they do not call.

If you don't expect someone to stick around, because you know they don't really want to, then when they ditch it's not so bad.

The problem, I find, is that to have realistic expectations of things, you must have a firm grasp on situations and people. If you have unrealistic expectations, usually that's because either A)you don't know the person or situation well enough to know what to realistically expect or B) you're dumb or C) you know what to expect, but you're an honest to god hopeful hopeless person who will continue to expect and want more than you will receive.

I think I tend to fall into the C category, always hoping to be surprised. To be fair, sometimes I fall into the B category. However, I'm going to try to change things a little bit. Not a new years resolution, mind you, more of a way of training my mind a bit differently.

We'll see.