i know where you're from, but where do you belong?

So it's time to start my law school applications. This is very exciting and nerve-racking. I have a solid list of 9, but who applies to 9 schools??!! Nobody, you add one more and make it a round 10, duh.

I'm not going to list them, mostly because maybe 2 people look at this and they probably have a good idea of where I'm applying. But I've decided to stop sharing this information with people also because I don't need anymore input/advice/pressure. I put enough pressure on myself, thanks.

But the process of narrowing down schools has taught me one thing about myself: I have no fucking clue where I fit in in a geographical sense.

Examples:

-I love big cities. Chicago is one of my favorite towns. Seattle often feels too small. London is somewhere I could see myself living one day.

-I am enchanted with small towns. I love knowing your neighbors. I think the idea of chatting with the locals at the local (insert place here :bar, hairdresser, diner, cafe...) is adorable and something I could get used to.

-I enjoy the convenience, quaintness and best-of-both-worlds sense on neighborhoods outside of cities but still close enough for a commute.

-West coasters are laid back and awesome. Midwesterners are friendly and traditional. East Coasters are unique and fun. Some Southerners are warm and welcoming. I love them all.

-Summer is beautiful and full of adventure. I could do it year-round.

-Fall/Winter/Spring are all amazing in their own right. I love the changing of leaves, bundling up in the snow, splashing in rain puddles.

-Boyfriend? Nope. Indescribably close family ties? Nope. Dog? Nope. Friends that won't stick by me through a move? Nope. Anything tying me to anything? NOPE.

In other words, I can fit in ALMOST anywhere. I'm not huge on the deep south, southern California or Flordia whatsoever, and most of the true midwestern states (Wyoming, Dakotas, Nebraska) are out. But otherwise, I CAN FIT IN ANYWHERE. I'm like a fricken chameleon. It's supposed to be freeing, this sense of going anywhere and meeting anyone. It's also terrifying. I wish there was a sign, a test that is not on facebook, to tell me that THIS is the place I belong (this being anywhere). Or even someone of something giving me a solid reason to stay somewhere. I am so not tied down that I am floating somewhere inbetween flipping a coin and researching if there is a better male-to-female ratio in certain areas. It's sick.

So, I'm extremely adaptable and extremely free to go where I please. I also have no fucking clue where that should be. Awesome.

In other news, I am having a good end to the summer, although I am extremely sad that it is coming to an end at all. I am starting to hang out with Elyse more which I am enjoying immensely.
there was more to this, but i am going to bed.

I solve my issues with people over a shot. Healthy behavior? No. Effective? Completely.

It's amazing just how much I hate my jobs. Enough said about that.

I am going home (AGAIN) next weekend for a family photograph and my sister's baby shower. She is quite pregnant, due on Thanksgiving. We went maternity clothes shopping yesterday.

DEAR LORD.

Do you have any idea how much engineering goes into pregnant people clothes? It's all about nursing for later, I guess. Being discreet about your baby sucking on your boob like the end of the world is near.

who else thinks pregnancy/baby stuff is fucking weird and gross? I do. And I don't care how 'natural' it all is.

It was still pretty funny shopping at Modern Maternity. There were tshirts like "Great things come out of big bellies!" and "I love babies!" Really. One said "I love babies." There were also several 16-17 year olds hanging out with the one preggo 17 year old helping her find stuff. Conversations ranged from "but if i breastfeed my boobs will sag!" and "don't gain too much because you'll get mad stretch marks."

Needless to say we went south to southcenter mall.

After we went and visited my brother in law, Ian, at his new cafe he is supervising. It is called Fonte. It is ridiculously pretentious. They fly in pastries from Europe. Of course, it was delicious and the most amazing coffee I have ever had. Although I was drunk by the time I got the coffee from wine and beer tasting.

I really would love to go on a road trip to Nappa Valley and wine taste. I wouldn't hate being a wine snob. I think I could be a wine snob and still appreciate the $4 trader joes bottle that is really good. TJ's has a great selection of Argentinian wine.

These are random thoughts and the randomness of this is bothering me. I'm going to go to bed instead. I meant to write all about the situation with Hayley (the title came from that) but I didn't. Maybe next time.

Welcome to a world of paralyzing insecurity and crippling self doubt.

This post in gonna be REAL kids. Real honest, mildly uncomfortable. DEAL with it. Or stop reading.

Here's the thing:

I am surprisingly insecure. It surprises even myself. But it very much surprises those around me. The thing is, It's not that I think I'm horrible to be around, I simply cannot let myself believe that anyone would want to spend a lot of their time with me. This has gotten worse as I get older, which is probably backwards, but this is because I had a nice cozy group of friends during those terrible formative years of adolesence, and I didn't really let my insecurity get the best of me.

Nowadays, I don't know what to think. A year and a half ago I had a world-ending crush on a boy. It was sick. I spent all my time with him. He slept in my bed for a month. Then I went home for Christmas break. When I came back he had a girlfriend. CRUSHED doesn't describe it. I hardly got out of bed for three weeks. Last year, I had a similar person in my life. I went to Europe. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Seattle friends, with the exception of a few, have come and gone.

Point is, I no longer have that security that people around me love me regardless. This has led to a weird insecurity. Like maybe I'm not as fun or funny as I used to be. Maybe it was my group of friends that made me worth hanging around with. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone, just hanging around for when other people need me.

I don't like feeling this way. I have a large amount of security in terms of my ability. LSAT? not worried. Law school? easy-peezy. Working 60 hours a week? Still will find time to hang out. But feeling adequate as a person to hang out with? Feeling adequate as a person to date? Yeah, right. I barely want to be around me.

How does one fix this? Clearly I need to learn to like myself more. Clearly I have abandonment and trust issues. But I can't escape the feeling that there is always someone more fun, more funny, more pretty, less issues, whatever than me. And especially in the case of boys, but really everyone, I'm just waiting for people to figure this out and drop me like a bad habit.

I think I need to work on this. Majorly. Probably therapy. Can't afford it. SHIT.