My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.

"My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."

This is a quote from Tom Robbins. I have not read a Tom Robbins book yet. I am meaning to. There is just so much to read. My roommates Brenda and Lisa and my sister Mandy and I are starting a book club. Our first book is How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents by Julia Alvarez. I have to buy it this week so I can read it on the plane to and from Chicago. I'm excited about the book club because I miss having people to talk about books with (aka school) and I think it will be a really cute way for my sister to get to know my two best Seattle girlfriends better, especially if we discuss over cheese and wine and sparkling grapefruit juice (cuz the sis is preggo).

Anyway, that quote. I've been thinking about it all day. Mandie D. and I exchange it a lot. In letters, cards, texts, facebook messages, etc. Tom Robbins is her favorite author (i really need to read him) and part of her most recent tattoo is from this same quote. We've really taken to it as a way of describing our friendship, and I am attracted to the phrase because it really points out just how many relationships are NOT for free. In fact I have come to believe that it is really rare to have a relationship that is free.

It is said that relationships of all types require give and take. Which of course is true. But I like to construe that in such a way that some relationships can survive on give and give. Or maybe it's still give and take but it doesn't feel like 'taking'. I'm not making much sense. But I do know that Mandie and I do not feel the need to 'take' anything from each other. I don't think that when I call her in the middle of the night having a meltdown that I am 'taking' her valuable sleeping time. I also don't feel like when I step outside of a bar while hanging out with friends to give some urgent boy advice like i am having anything taken from me. I simply would rather be there for her than not and I know instinctively that she feels the same way.

I tend to hold all my friends to the same standard of this "no strings attached" notion. However, it does not work for most people. I am finding that even some of my best friends are takers by nature. And even some of my best friends don't need or want anything I have to give. This whole idea makes me sad. I feel as though I am both a giver and a taker in equal measure, although I could very well be misinterpreting myself, but I never think to really think about it. If I'm having a bad day, week, month, or year I want my friends there. And I want to be there for them, too. But it doesn't always equal out that way.

Most people don't over-think such simple things as friendship. But I do. Possibly because I have never known a life without great friends, possibly because I lean on my friends as a replacement for certain elements of a normal family life that are missing, and possible because I've been lucky enough to experience a friendship like Mandy's and it confuses me as to why others don't want to share in the same experience. Either way, I find myself both expecting too much from others and simultaneously not trusting them because I don't want to expect anything. It's a difficult balance.

On another note, I got rather irritated with a comment my co-worker Lindsey made the other night at work. My part-time job is at a restaurant in Madison Park. It's pretty upscale, and is definitely in an upscale neighborhood. Lindsey is a 30 year old pursuing what is I think her 3rd graduate degree. She has to wear long pants and sleeves at work to cover her humongous tattoos and is kind of a manly girl. She seems to consider herself and intellectual and is openly gay. None of these things bother me, or really mean anything to me at all, except maybe that she likes school as much as I do but is uncertain about what she wants to do with her life. However, she seems to have taken to the fact that since I am her total opposite on the outside (it would be hard to mistake me for a boy, I think) that I must be the total opposite on the inside. AKA stupid, girly and boy crazy. None of which really describe me, although yes I occasionally paint my nails and gossip about hot boys. Anyway, she's chosen these things as a reason to hate me on a strangely intense level.

This past weekend as she was talking to a fill-in busser about his plans for law school and then decided to inform me about how difficult it is for lawyers to find jobs right now (thank you lindsey, i was blissfully unaware of the state of our current economic climate. that's why i'm working here on a gorgeous saturday night with you) and i decided to joke back (that's how i deal with her, by being as blonde as possible) that public defenders would never be out of work, she then says "Well it's not like you could be a public defender going into jails and such, they'd eat you alive."

Ok, i get it. I'm short, I have an innocent face and big boobs, I look like I'm about to graduate high school, and I tend to giggle a lot. But really, except for the giggling, there's not much I can do about the rest. AND I LIKE TO GIGGLE. But these are no reasons to just assume I am some innocent girl-next -door cry-for-my-mom type of kid. Cuz I'm not. My mom hates crying. I don't really feel the need to tell her about my past, about how it would actually not be my first time visiting someone in jail or how no, criminals don't scare me nearly as much as you'd believe. I don't owe her anything and I don't feel the need to justify myself to someone who clearly already has their mind made up. But it still angers me as to why she thinks I am such an idiot and makes me worried about the impression I give off to others. I know that people should just 'be themselves' and 'not think about what anyone else thinks' and all that sesame street crap, but really coming off as an idiot is not how I would like to portray myself.

I AM NOT AN IDIOT.

and she is currently reading the twilight series.

SO MAYBE SHE SHOULD NOT BE SUCH A PRETENTIOUS BITCH.

cuz I like twilight too.

Reason

So, just so there's no confusion on the purpose of this blog...it is simply to record this strange time in my (our, your) life. Dave Eggars, in his memoir, Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, comments in the preface that the reader may skip pages (insert middle of book pages here) because they are about a young man in his early and mid-twenties who thinks that their life is interesting but is really surprisingly boring and self-centered. (I'm paraphrasing, of course). But the gist of it is that this weird in-between time from being a young adult to an adult is awkward, not nearly as fun as it seems, and pretty much all about ourselves.

So here is a record of that. Of me going through that. If you're interested.

Right now my life is mostly about work. Working temporary jobs that I pretty much loath, just to pay off unnecessary debt before I start graduate school. Lately these jobs have been causing a lot of stress, because the cafe I have been working at got outsourced to a big company. It was really cool working for a non-profit organization. They treated employees really well and everyone acted like they cared. With this whole turnover, it's made work the last few weeks pretty bitter and disheartening. Not to mention I was in limbo as to whether I actually had a job at the new company for several weeks. It's hard to explain to others, they say "well at least you have something" and then blow it off. Of course in this climate I'm very happy to have a job, without one I would be packing up and heading home, but there is an element of being forced into a situation that is hard to relate to. I did not simply get my job back, I was given a job that I did not want without much of a choice. Especially since I have no backup money, plan or person to fall back on.

In the grand scheme of things, I have learned a lot this past three weeks about work. How I want to work, the environment I wish to work in. I experienced on a small scale how it feels for the bigger guy to push their way in when the little guy is weak and take over, claiming that they will make things better while cutting paychecks and giving minimal healthcare to those with families. It makes me think about things on a larger scale. And it makes me think that I don't ever want to live without security again, and definetly not want to live without being passionate about my work.

All that said, my life lacks any major passion for things I am doing at this point. Which surprisingly makes me take some joy in smaller things in life. A night home with my roommates or getting along with my mom. I hope it gives me a chance to calm down a bit, not be so anxious about the next thing that I think should happen in my life. Some days this works, some days it doesn't. The days it doesn't are brutal.

Some other things on my mind are my friend Rachel's wedding, to which I am the maid of honor. My friend Hayley, hoping my mom finds work, my sister's pregnancy and my impending aunt-hood. Applying for grad school this fall, trying to have fun this summer, trying to 'get in shape', trying to read more. Finding motivation.

For now I'm just going to try and get through the weekend. It's the big turn over at the cafe. Which means 8 hour saturday and sundays along with night shifts at the restaurant I expo at on the weekends.

We'll see how it goes.