get get get get get over it.

My mom texted me something somewhat interesting today. At least, interesting to her...

She said "nobody feels what you feel."

I went through a rather traumatic experience both with a boy I had feelings for and a boy I did not have feelings for a little over a month ago. I'm getting the vibe from friends that I should be 'over it.'

I do feel as though I am getting over it, but it takes time, and my natural tendency is to kind of hole up with those who love me. Unfortunately, I am finding it harder and harder to convince people to hole up with me. Mostly, I blame this on our age. As a early-almost-mid-twenties girl, I find that all my friends are in very different spots in life (I may have mentioned this before) and thus it is harder to find someone to commiserate with, since everyone is mostly doing their own thing.

But my mom has a point. Nobody feels what you feel. Sympathy and empathy help, but at any moment most likely nobody you are close to will feel the same thing. I guess this leads me to believe that loneliness really is the human condition, and I wonder if maybe I am trying too hard to feel connected with others. Maybe it's ok to feel alone sometimes. And maybe if everyone wants you to get over it, and you're not, the only thing you can say is fuck off, because they are not you.

don't pay him any attention

I decided to delete my previous post because it delved into a bit of a pity party that I would like to keep private. Sorry for anyone who read it, commented, and then was deleted (mandie).

I took the bus this morning to work because Wed-Fri I start later in the day. I am already feeling more accomplished than usual and it is good. Something about making the bus on time, arriving to work early makes me feel like less of a waste of life.

Which is an interesting topic. How does one know if one is wasting life? Is life ever wasted? I would think prisoners would say, yes you can waste your life by killing someone and ending up in a small cell forever. Then again, prisoners get free room and board, often get free education (albeit a sad education), lots of time to work on their physical fitness and instant friends, enemies and drama. Just kidding folks.

Honestly, though. I've got a lot of things swirling in my head that I would like to do. I'd like to take a trip to New Orleans, I'd like to go bungee jumping and sky diving (bungee on my bday!), I'd like to explore more of Seattle, go on more hikes and try skiing/snowboarding. Some things are more easily accomplished than others, some are limited by time, money and willing participants.

I get scared that my hectic work schedule and financial demands are giving me great excuses to miss out on a lot.

let's not try to figure out everything at once...

I have not been doing well.

I am worried.

Mostly, though, I am anxious to feel like myself again. And act like myself again.

And I hate the waiting part of 'time heals'. Yes, time heals. But waiting for that time to pass is excruciating.

that's what i got for waking up in vegas.

I'm slowly recuperating from Vegas 2009. It was nuts. Apparently there was a VIP room and a bunch of English guys the last night. Hmmmm.

So, Maysie (pronounced Macy, like the store), the new girl at work, is officially the youngest 19 year old I've ever met, and I'm very close to wringing her neck. Today she 'casually' mentioned Capitol Hill in either the context of "I was at this party of Capitol Hill..." or "I was walking around Capitol Hill..." or "People on Capitol Hill..." SIXTEEN FUCKING TIMES. It's just a goddamn neighborhood. I hate her.

I have more to say, but I'm not going to right now.

yo babes.

I encountered a dilemma in respect to blogspot. You see, sometimes I want all my thoughts out there. And sometimes I don't. And sometimes I do and then I change my mind. So I will have two blogs. And I will post accordingly. One is for whomever, one is not. Done.

So I had an insane weekend, and I sure enjoyed a lot of it.

THINGS I ENJOYED:
-Seeing Derek! (duh)
-Taking derek around Udistrict.
-Having derek meet my friends.
-An epic capitol hill night.
-Hanging out with Ben.
-A very good breakfast at Beth's.
-Sightseeing.
-The beautiful weather.
-Losing 2 pounds.
-Some quality time with Brenda.
-Harry Potter IMAX.

THINGS I DID NOT ENJOY:
-Going a little nutty.
-Getting too drunk on Fri and waking up drunk on Sat.
-Finding out that Lisa is moving out.
-Finding out that Ian was laid off.
-Immediately gaining back 2 pounds.
-Some quality time with my flaws.

All in all, it was a weekend for the books. And I'm going to try and focus on the things I enjoyed, and learn from the things I did not enjoy.

LESSONS:
-Never live with more than one person ever again.
-Before going nutty, think about actions.
-Deal with flaws/insecurities in healthier way than drinking.
-Drink lots of water so as not to lose water weight and convince self that it is real weight, instead go to the gym.

Yes, good plan.

this weekend is VEGAS WEEKEND. oh man. OH MAN. I am quite excited.

i know where you're from, but where do you belong?

So it's time to start my law school applications. This is very exciting and nerve-racking. I have a solid list of 9, but who applies to 9 schools??!! Nobody, you add one more and make it a round 10, duh.

I'm not going to list them, mostly because maybe 2 people look at this and they probably have a good idea of where I'm applying. But I've decided to stop sharing this information with people also because I don't need anymore input/advice/pressure. I put enough pressure on myself, thanks.

But the process of narrowing down schools has taught me one thing about myself: I have no fucking clue where I fit in in a geographical sense.

Examples:

-I love big cities. Chicago is one of my favorite towns. Seattle often feels too small. London is somewhere I could see myself living one day.

-I am enchanted with small towns. I love knowing your neighbors. I think the idea of chatting with the locals at the local (insert place here :bar, hairdresser, diner, cafe...) is adorable and something I could get used to.

-I enjoy the convenience, quaintness and best-of-both-worlds sense on neighborhoods outside of cities but still close enough for a commute.

-West coasters are laid back and awesome. Midwesterners are friendly and traditional. East Coasters are unique and fun. Some Southerners are warm and welcoming. I love them all.

-Summer is beautiful and full of adventure. I could do it year-round.

-Fall/Winter/Spring are all amazing in their own right. I love the changing of leaves, bundling up in the snow, splashing in rain puddles.

-Boyfriend? Nope. Indescribably close family ties? Nope. Dog? Nope. Friends that won't stick by me through a move? Nope. Anything tying me to anything? NOPE.

In other words, I can fit in ALMOST anywhere. I'm not huge on the deep south, southern California or Flordia whatsoever, and most of the true midwestern states (Wyoming, Dakotas, Nebraska) are out. But otherwise, I CAN FIT IN ANYWHERE. I'm like a fricken chameleon. It's supposed to be freeing, this sense of going anywhere and meeting anyone. It's also terrifying. I wish there was a sign, a test that is not on facebook, to tell me that THIS is the place I belong (this being anywhere). Or even someone of something giving me a solid reason to stay somewhere. I am so not tied down that I am floating somewhere inbetween flipping a coin and researching if there is a better male-to-female ratio in certain areas. It's sick.

So, I'm extremely adaptable and extremely free to go where I please. I also have no fucking clue where that should be. Awesome.

In other news, I am having a good end to the summer, although I am extremely sad that it is coming to an end at all. I am starting to hang out with Elyse more which I am enjoying immensely.
there was more to this, but i am going to bed.

I solve my issues with people over a shot. Healthy behavior? No. Effective? Completely.

It's amazing just how much I hate my jobs. Enough said about that.

I am going home (AGAIN) next weekend for a family photograph and my sister's baby shower. She is quite pregnant, due on Thanksgiving. We went maternity clothes shopping yesterday.

DEAR LORD.

Do you have any idea how much engineering goes into pregnant people clothes? It's all about nursing for later, I guess. Being discreet about your baby sucking on your boob like the end of the world is near.

who else thinks pregnancy/baby stuff is fucking weird and gross? I do. And I don't care how 'natural' it all is.

It was still pretty funny shopping at Modern Maternity. There were tshirts like "Great things come out of big bellies!" and "I love babies!" Really. One said "I love babies." There were also several 16-17 year olds hanging out with the one preggo 17 year old helping her find stuff. Conversations ranged from "but if i breastfeed my boobs will sag!" and "don't gain too much because you'll get mad stretch marks."

Needless to say we went south to southcenter mall.

After we went and visited my brother in law, Ian, at his new cafe he is supervising. It is called Fonte. It is ridiculously pretentious. They fly in pastries from Europe. Of course, it was delicious and the most amazing coffee I have ever had. Although I was drunk by the time I got the coffee from wine and beer tasting.

I really would love to go on a road trip to Nappa Valley and wine taste. I wouldn't hate being a wine snob. I think I could be a wine snob and still appreciate the $4 trader joes bottle that is really good. TJ's has a great selection of Argentinian wine.

These are random thoughts and the randomness of this is bothering me. I'm going to go to bed instead. I meant to write all about the situation with Hayley (the title came from that) but I didn't. Maybe next time.

Welcome to a world of paralyzing insecurity and crippling self doubt.

This post in gonna be REAL kids. Real honest, mildly uncomfortable. DEAL with it. Or stop reading.

Here's the thing:

I am surprisingly insecure. It surprises even myself. But it very much surprises those around me. The thing is, It's not that I think I'm horrible to be around, I simply cannot let myself believe that anyone would want to spend a lot of their time with me. This has gotten worse as I get older, which is probably backwards, but this is because I had a nice cozy group of friends during those terrible formative years of adolesence, and I didn't really let my insecurity get the best of me.

Nowadays, I don't know what to think. A year and a half ago I had a world-ending crush on a boy. It was sick. I spent all my time with him. He slept in my bed for a month. Then I went home for Christmas break. When I came back he had a girlfriend. CRUSHED doesn't describe it. I hardly got out of bed for three weeks. Last year, I had a similar person in my life. I went to Europe. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Seattle friends, with the exception of a few, have come and gone.

Point is, I no longer have that security that people around me love me regardless. This has led to a weird insecurity. Like maybe I'm not as fun or funny as I used to be. Maybe it was my group of friends that made me worth hanging around with. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone, just hanging around for when other people need me.

I don't like feeling this way. I have a large amount of security in terms of my ability. LSAT? not worried. Law school? easy-peezy. Working 60 hours a week? Still will find time to hang out. But feeling adequate as a person to hang out with? Feeling adequate as a person to date? Yeah, right. I barely want to be around me.

How does one fix this? Clearly I need to learn to like myself more. Clearly I have abandonment and trust issues. But I can't escape the feeling that there is always someone more fun, more funny, more pretty, less issues, whatever than me. And especially in the case of boys, but really everyone, I'm just waiting for people to figure this out and drop me like a bad habit.

I think I need to work on this. Majorly. Probably therapy. Can't afford it. SHIT.

because i'm only ambitious when i'm bored

A list of things I want to do in the near future (meaning next year or two):

-See the whales in the San Juans.

-Drive down the Oregon coast to Nappa and go wine tasting.

-Visit New Orleans.

-Go camping.

-Go snowboarding.

I definitely need to start doing things around Washington, I could potentially only have one more year here. As of right now I'd opt to leave WA next year, so I better get crackin...

Currently Brenda and I are watching Henry Poole Is Here and it is BORING. Things like people seeing Jesus' face on a wall and then fixing their lives does not interest me when not done properly, apparently. Shame on you, Luke Wilson, this could have been a good movie. It is not. I blame you. YOU. I am also drinking wine. I feel it. I'm hoping it will help me sleep tonight.

Hoping, Hoping, hope, hope?

If Luke Wilson gets cured from his terminal illness in this film I will vomit all over my own living room. I swear it.

Well you wouldn't want an angel watching over you. surprise surprise they wouldn't wanna watch.

My life right now is just very up in the air. I never know who is going to be a good friend and when, I never know how much my bosses are going to like me and when, I don't know where I'll be next year, I never know when my mother will be reliable and when she won't, when my sister will be kind or when she will beat me down, I never know what kind of mood I will wake up in or what kind of dreams I will have.

I think for the most part I like this, I don't want to know what each day will bring, that's no fun. At the same time, I am constantly searching for an anchor. I try to think of grad school and stuff as my anchor....a plan that I have that will lead to happiness. But it's taking forever and in the meantime, I am just floating. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to have something to hold them in place whether that be a loved one or just an ability to stay grounded that I lack. I wish I had that. Someone or something or just the ability. I spend most of my time fighting the urge to just pick up and leave. Leave Seattle, leave my life. Not go home, just go. The only thing that feels right is to just be moving all of the time.

I am restless.

So you had a bad day....

I had a bad day. It wasn't terrible, but not good.

My job at Fred Hutch is getting worse and worse in terms of how much I hate it. Today was no exception.

Sostanza wasn't busy tonight, and as stupid as it is I feel there is some cosmic cycle that permanently ensures that Sostanza is not busy on weeknights that I work. This makes going a waste of time and effort. And it makes me bitter that other nights people are making much better money.

I went to the gym. It was unproductive and painful. I've been slacking the last month. Not because of a lack of motivation but a lack of time. I've been drinking a lot more this past month too, because of an increase in frustration, and this does not help me feel well at all. I both love and hate drinking, and the love side of me almost always wins.

I just read the father's day postsecrets. I never think of Father's Day now that my grandpa is gone, and the day usually just passes by. But this year my brother sent me a text that said "Happy Father's Suck Day" which I found sweet and funny that he would think of me, since we usually talk two or three times a year depending on when I visit. It got me down, though, because one of the postsecrets was "I'd rather you be dead. It would be easier to explain why you are gone." and I feel the exact same way. Which may shock people, especially those who know nothing about my father. But it made me realize I don't hate him so much because of the things he did, I hate him because I will forever be the put in the position of not talking about where or who my father is/was out of pure humiliation and the fact that is it such a freaking complicated and diluted situation. Oh well. I don't necessarily wish I could talk about it, but I wish I could tell certain people in my family that he haunts my dreams and pops into my head constantly, however we never ever speak of him except maybe in a way like my brother did via text.

This of course got me thinking of my mom, and how she is in such a terrible place in terms of unemployment and finances, but what makes it all worse is that she is dying alone, drinking bottles and bottles of wine by herself everyday and wasting away slowly, without the hope of finding someone or really the will to ever try again. I mean, ouch.

I'm gonna go ahead and stop typing this, because it is necessary for me to block out certain issues in hope of finding sanity for myself. I often catch myself thinking I wish I were as tough as I used to be instead of the sensitive person I seem to have become, and then I think maybe it's a freaking Godsend that I am as sensitive as I am and not a freaking rock.

I hope tomorow is better.

My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.

"My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."

This is a quote from Tom Robbins. I have not read a Tom Robbins book yet. I am meaning to. There is just so much to read. My roommates Brenda and Lisa and my sister Mandy and I are starting a book club. Our first book is How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents by Julia Alvarez. I have to buy it this week so I can read it on the plane to and from Chicago. I'm excited about the book club because I miss having people to talk about books with (aka school) and I think it will be a really cute way for my sister to get to know my two best Seattle girlfriends better, especially if we discuss over cheese and wine and sparkling grapefruit juice (cuz the sis is preggo).

Anyway, that quote. I've been thinking about it all day. Mandie D. and I exchange it a lot. In letters, cards, texts, facebook messages, etc. Tom Robbins is her favorite author (i really need to read him) and part of her most recent tattoo is from this same quote. We've really taken to it as a way of describing our friendship, and I am attracted to the phrase because it really points out just how many relationships are NOT for free. In fact I have come to believe that it is really rare to have a relationship that is free.

It is said that relationships of all types require give and take. Which of course is true. But I like to construe that in such a way that some relationships can survive on give and give. Or maybe it's still give and take but it doesn't feel like 'taking'. I'm not making much sense. But I do know that Mandie and I do not feel the need to 'take' anything from each other. I don't think that when I call her in the middle of the night having a meltdown that I am 'taking' her valuable sleeping time. I also don't feel like when I step outside of a bar while hanging out with friends to give some urgent boy advice like i am having anything taken from me. I simply would rather be there for her than not and I know instinctively that she feels the same way.

I tend to hold all my friends to the same standard of this "no strings attached" notion. However, it does not work for most people. I am finding that even some of my best friends are takers by nature. And even some of my best friends don't need or want anything I have to give. This whole idea makes me sad. I feel as though I am both a giver and a taker in equal measure, although I could very well be misinterpreting myself, but I never think to really think about it. If I'm having a bad day, week, month, or year I want my friends there. And I want to be there for them, too. But it doesn't always equal out that way.

Most people don't over-think such simple things as friendship. But I do. Possibly because I have never known a life without great friends, possibly because I lean on my friends as a replacement for certain elements of a normal family life that are missing, and possible because I've been lucky enough to experience a friendship like Mandy's and it confuses me as to why others don't want to share in the same experience. Either way, I find myself both expecting too much from others and simultaneously not trusting them because I don't want to expect anything. It's a difficult balance.

On another note, I got rather irritated with a comment my co-worker Lindsey made the other night at work. My part-time job is at a restaurant in Madison Park. It's pretty upscale, and is definitely in an upscale neighborhood. Lindsey is a 30 year old pursuing what is I think her 3rd graduate degree. She has to wear long pants and sleeves at work to cover her humongous tattoos and is kind of a manly girl. She seems to consider herself and intellectual and is openly gay. None of these things bother me, or really mean anything to me at all, except maybe that she likes school as much as I do but is uncertain about what she wants to do with her life. However, she seems to have taken to the fact that since I am her total opposite on the outside (it would be hard to mistake me for a boy, I think) that I must be the total opposite on the inside. AKA stupid, girly and boy crazy. None of which really describe me, although yes I occasionally paint my nails and gossip about hot boys. Anyway, she's chosen these things as a reason to hate me on a strangely intense level.

This past weekend as she was talking to a fill-in busser about his plans for law school and then decided to inform me about how difficult it is for lawyers to find jobs right now (thank you lindsey, i was blissfully unaware of the state of our current economic climate. that's why i'm working here on a gorgeous saturday night with you) and i decided to joke back (that's how i deal with her, by being as blonde as possible) that public defenders would never be out of work, she then says "Well it's not like you could be a public defender going into jails and such, they'd eat you alive."

Ok, i get it. I'm short, I have an innocent face and big boobs, I look like I'm about to graduate high school, and I tend to giggle a lot. But really, except for the giggling, there's not much I can do about the rest. AND I LIKE TO GIGGLE. But these are no reasons to just assume I am some innocent girl-next -door cry-for-my-mom type of kid. Cuz I'm not. My mom hates crying. I don't really feel the need to tell her about my past, about how it would actually not be my first time visiting someone in jail or how no, criminals don't scare me nearly as much as you'd believe. I don't owe her anything and I don't feel the need to justify myself to someone who clearly already has their mind made up. But it still angers me as to why she thinks I am such an idiot and makes me worried about the impression I give off to others. I know that people should just 'be themselves' and 'not think about what anyone else thinks' and all that sesame street crap, but really coming off as an idiot is not how I would like to portray myself.

I AM NOT AN IDIOT.

and she is currently reading the twilight series.

SO MAYBE SHE SHOULD NOT BE SUCH A PRETENTIOUS BITCH.

cuz I like twilight too.

Reason

So, just so there's no confusion on the purpose of this blog...it is simply to record this strange time in my (our, your) life. Dave Eggars, in his memoir, Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, comments in the preface that the reader may skip pages (insert middle of book pages here) because they are about a young man in his early and mid-twenties who thinks that their life is interesting but is really surprisingly boring and self-centered. (I'm paraphrasing, of course). But the gist of it is that this weird in-between time from being a young adult to an adult is awkward, not nearly as fun as it seems, and pretty much all about ourselves.

So here is a record of that. Of me going through that. If you're interested.

Right now my life is mostly about work. Working temporary jobs that I pretty much loath, just to pay off unnecessary debt before I start graduate school. Lately these jobs have been causing a lot of stress, because the cafe I have been working at got outsourced to a big company. It was really cool working for a non-profit organization. They treated employees really well and everyone acted like they cared. With this whole turnover, it's made work the last few weeks pretty bitter and disheartening. Not to mention I was in limbo as to whether I actually had a job at the new company for several weeks. It's hard to explain to others, they say "well at least you have something" and then blow it off. Of course in this climate I'm very happy to have a job, without one I would be packing up and heading home, but there is an element of being forced into a situation that is hard to relate to. I did not simply get my job back, I was given a job that I did not want without much of a choice. Especially since I have no backup money, plan or person to fall back on.

In the grand scheme of things, I have learned a lot this past three weeks about work. How I want to work, the environment I wish to work in. I experienced on a small scale how it feels for the bigger guy to push their way in when the little guy is weak and take over, claiming that they will make things better while cutting paychecks and giving minimal healthcare to those with families. It makes me think about things on a larger scale. And it makes me think that I don't ever want to live without security again, and definetly not want to live without being passionate about my work.

All that said, my life lacks any major passion for things I am doing at this point. Which surprisingly makes me take some joy in smaller things in life. A night home with my roommates or getting along with my mom. I hope it gives me a chance to calm down a bit, not be so anxious about the next thing that I think should happen in my life. Some days this works, some days it doesn't. The days it doesn't are brutal.

Some other things on my mind are my friend Rachel's wedding, to which I am the maid of honor. My friend Hayley, hoping my mom finds work, my sister's pregnancy and my impending aunt-hood. Applying for grad school this fall, trying to have fun this summer, trying to 'get in shape', trying to read more. Finding motivation.

For now I'm just going to try and get through the weekend. It's the big turn over at the cafe. Which means 8 hour saturday and sundays along with night shifts at the restaurant I expo at on the weekends.

We'll see how it goes.