Welcome to a world of paralyzing insecurity and crippling self doubt.

This post in gonna be REAL kids. Real honest, mildly uncomfortable. DEAL with it. Or stop reading.

Here's the thing:

I am surprisingly insecure. It surprises even myself. But it very much surprises those around me. The thing is, It's not that I think I'm horrible to be around, I simply cannot let myself believe that anyone would want to spend a lot of their time with me. This has gotten worse as I get older, which is probably backwards, but this is because I had a nice cozy group of friends during those terrible formative years of adolesence, and I didn't really let my insecurity get the best of me.

Nowadays, I don't know what to think. A year and a half ago I had a world-ending crush on a boy. It was sick. I spent all my time with him. He slept in my bed for a month. Then I went home for Christmas break. When I came back he had a girlfriend. CRUSHED doesn't describe it. I hardly got out of bed for three weeks. Last year, I had a similar person in my life. I went to Europe. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Seattle friends, with the exception of a few, have come and gone.

Point is, I no longer have that security that people around me love me regardless. This has led to a weird insecurity. Like maybe I'm not as fun or funny as I used to be. Maybe it was my group of friends that made me worth hanging around with. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone, just hanging around for when other people need me.

I don't like feeling this way. I have a large amount of security in terms of my ability. LSAT? not worried. Law school? easy-peezy. Working 60 hours a week? Still will find time to hang out. But feeling adequate as a person to hang out with? Feeling adequate as a person to date? Yeah, right. I barely want to be around me.

How does one fix this? Clearly I need to learn to like myself more. Clearly I have abandonment and trust issues. But I can't escape the feeling that there is always someone more fun, more funny, more pretty, less issues, whatever than me. And especially in the case of boys, but really everyone, I'm just waiting for people to figure this out and drop me like a bad habit.

I think I need to work on this. Majorly. Probably therapy. Can't afford it. SHIT.