I encountered a dilemma in respect to blogspot. You see, sometimes I want all my thoughts out there. And sometimes I don't. And sometimes I do and then I change my mind. So I will have two blogs. And I will post accordingly. One is for whomever, one is not. Done.
So I had an insane weekend, and I sure enjoyed a lot of it.
THINGS I ENJOYED:
-Seeing Derek! (duh)
-Taking derek around Udistrict.
-Having derek meet my friends.
-An epic capitol hill night.
-Hanging out with Ben.
-A very good breakfast at Beth's.
-Sightseeing.
-The beautiful weather.
-Losing 2 pounds.
-Some quality time with Brenda.
-Harry Potter IMAX.
THINGS I DID NOT ENJOY:
-Going a little nutty.
-Getting too drunk on Fri and waking up drunk on Sat.
-Finding out that Lisa is moving out.
-Finding out that Ian was laid off.
-Immediately gaining back 2 pounds.
-Some quality time with my flaws.
All in all, it was a weekend for the books. And I'm going to try and focus on the things I enjoyed, and learn from the things I did not enjoy.
LESSONS:
-Never live with more than one person ever again.
-Before going nutty, think about actions.
-Deal with flaws/insecurities in healthier way than drinking.
-Drink lots of water so as not to lose water weight and convince self that it is real weight, instead go to the gym.
Yes, good plan.
this weekend is VEGAS WEEKEND. oh man. OH MAN. I am quite excited.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
i know where you're from, but where do you belong?
So it's time to start my law school applications. This is very exciting and nerve-racking. I have a solid list of 9, but who applies to 9 schools??!! Nobody, you add one more and make it a round 10, duh.
I'm not going to list them, mostly because maybe 2 people look at this and they probably have a good idea of where I'm applying. But I've decided to stop sharing this information with people also because I don't need anymore input/advice/pressure. I put enough pressure on myself, thanks.
But the process of narrowing down schools has taught me one thing about myself: I have no fucking clue where I fit in in a geographical sense.
Examples:
-I love big cities. Chicago is one of my favorite towns. Seattle often feels too small. London is somewhere I could see myself living one day.
-I am enchanted with small towns. I love knowing your neighbors. I think the idea of chatting with the locals at the local (insert place here :bar, hairdresser, diner, cafe...) is adorable and something I could get used to.
-I enjoy the convenience, quaintness and best-of-both-worlds sense on neighborhoods outside of cities but still close enough for a commute.
-West coasters are laid back and awesome. Midwesterners are friendly and traditional. East Coasters are unique and fun. Some Southerners are warm and welcoming. I love them all.
-Summer is beautiful and full of adventure. I could do it year-round.
-Fall/Winter/Spring are all amazing in their own right. I love the changing of leaves, bundling up in the snow, splashing in rain puddles.
-Boyfriend? Nope. Indescribably close family ties? Nope. Dog? Nope. Friends that won't stick by me through a move? Nope. Anything tying me to anything? NOPE.
In other words, I can fit in ALMOST anywhere. I'm not huge on the deep south, southern California or Flordia whatsoever, and most of the true midwestern states (Wyoming, Dakotas, Nebraska) are out. But otherwise, I CAN FIT IN ANYWHERE. I'm like a fricken chameleon. It's supposed to be freeing, this sense of going anywhere and meeting anyone. It's also terrifying. I wish there was a sign, a test that is not on facebook, to tell me that THIS is the place I belong (this being anywhere). Or even someone of something giving me a solid reason to stay somewhere. I am so not tied down that I am floating somewhere inbetween flipping a coin and researching if there is a better male-to-female ratio in certain areas. It's sick.
So, I'm extremely adaptable and extremely free to go where I please. I also have no fucking clue where that should be. Awesome.
In other news, I am having a good end to the summer, although I am extremely sad that it is coming to an end at all. I am starting to hang out with Elyse more which I am enjoying immensely.
there was more to this, but i am going to bed.
I'm not going to list them, mostly because maybe 2 people look at this and they probably have a good idea of where I'm applying. But I've decided to stop sharing this information with people also because I don't need anymore input/advice/pressure. I put enough pressure on myself, thanks.
But the process of narrowing down schools has taught me one thing about myself: I have no fucking clue where I fit in in a geographical sense.
Examples:
-I love big cities. Chicago is one of my favorite towns. Seattle often feels too small. London is somewhere I could see myself living one day.
-I am enchanted with small towns. I love knowing your neighbors. I think the idea of chatting with the locals at the local (insert place here :bar, hairdresser, diner, cafe...) is adorable and something I could get used to.
-I enjoy the convenience, quaintness and best-of-both-worlds sense on neighborhoods outside of cities but still close enough for a commute.
-West coasters are laid back and awesome. Midwesterners are friendly and traditional. East Coasters are unique and fun. Some Southerners are warm and welcoming. I love them all.
-Summer is beautiful and full of adventure. I could do it year-round.
-Fall/Winter/Spring are all amazing in their own right. I love the changing of leaves, bundling up in the snow, splashing in rain puddles.
-Boyfriend? Nope. Indescribably close family ties? Nope. Dog? Nope. Friends that won't stick by me through a move? Nope. Anything tying me to anything? NOPE.
In other words, I can fit in ALMOST anywhere. I'm not huge on the deep south, southern California or Flordia whatsoever, and most of the true midwestern states (Wyoming, Dakotas, Nebraska) are out. But otherwise, I CAN FIT IN ANYWHERE. I'm like a fricken chameleon. It's supposed to be freeing, this sense of going anywhere and meeting anyone. It's also terrifying. I wish there was a sign, a test that is not on facebook, to tell me that THIS is the place I belong (this being anywhere). Or even someone of something giving me a solid reason to stay somewhere. I am so not tied down that I am floating somewhere inbetween flipping a coin and researching if there is a better male-to-female ratio in certain areas. It's sick.
So, I'm extremely adaptable and extremely free to go where I please. I also have no fucking clue where that should be. Awesome.
In other news, I am having a good end to the summer, although I am extremely sad that it is coming to an end at all. I am starting to hang out with Elyse more which I am enjoying immensely.
there was more to this, but i am going to bed.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I solve my issues with people over a shot. Healthy behavior? No. Effective? Completely.
It's amazing just how much I hate my jobs. Enough said about that.
I am going home (AGAIN) next weekend for a family photograph and my sister's baby shower. She is quite pregnant, due on Thanksgiving. We went maternity clothes shopping yesterday.
DEAR LORD.
Do you have any idea how much engineering goes into pregnant people clothes? It's all about nursing for later, I guess. Being discreet about your baby sucking on your boob like the end of the world is near.
who else thinks pregnancy/baby stuff is fucking weird and gross? I do. And I don't care how 'natural' it all is.
It was still pretty funny shopping at Modern Maternity. There were tshirts like "Great things come out of big bellies!" and "I love babies!" Really. One said "I love babies." There were also several 16-17 year olds hanging out with the one preggo 17 year old helping her find stuff. Conversations ranged from "but if i breastfeed my boobs will sag!" and "don't gain too much because you'll get mad stretch marks."
Needless to say we went south to southcenter mall.
After we went and visited my brother in law, Ian, at his new cafe he is supervising. It is called Fonte. It is ridiculously pretentious. They fly in pastries from Europe. Of course, it was delicious and the most amazing coffee I have ever had. Although I was drunk by the time I got the coffee from wine and beer tasting.
I really would love to go on a road trip to Nappa Valley and wine taste. I wouldn't hate being a wine snob. I think I could be a wine snob and still appreciate the $4 trader joes bottle that is really good. TJ's has a great selection of Argentinian wine.
These are random thoughts and the randomness of this is bothering me. I'm going to go to bed instead. I meant to write all about the situation with Hayley (the title came from that) but I didn't. Maybe next time.
I am going home (AGAIN) next weekend for a family photograph and my sister's baby shower. She is quite pregnant, due on Thanksgiving. We went maternity clothes shopping yesterday.
DEAR LORD.
Do you have any idea how much engineering goes into pregnant people clothes? It's all about nursing for later, I guess. Being discreet about your baby sucking on your boob like the end of the world is near.
who else thinks pregnancy/baby stuff is fucking weird and gross? I do. And I don't care how 'natural' it all is.
It was still pretty funny shopping at Modern Maternity. There were tshirts like "Great things come out of big bellies!" and "I love babies!" Really. One said "I love babies." There were also several 16-17 year olds hanging out with the one preggo 17 year old helping her find stuff. Conversations ranged from "but if i breastfeed my boobs will sag!" and "don't gain too much because you'll get mad stretch marks."
Needless to say we went south to southcenter mall.
After we went and visited my brother in law, Ian, at his new cafe he is supervising. It is called Fonte. It is ridiculously pretentious. They fly in pastries from Europe. Of course, it was delicious and the most amazing coffee I have ever had. Although I was drunk by the time I got the coffee from wine and beer tasting.
I really would love to go on a road trip to Nappa Valley and wine taste. I wouldn't hate being a wine snob. I think I could be a wine snob and still appreciate the $4 trader joes bottle that is really good. TJ's has a great selection of Argentinian wine.
These are random thoughts and the randomness of this is bothering me. I'm going to go to bed instead. I meant to write all about the situation with Hayley (the title came from that) but I didn't. Maybe next time.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Welcome to a world of paralyzing insecurity and crippling self doubt.
This post in gonna be REAL kids. Real honest, mildly uncomfortable. DEAL with it. Or stop reading.
Here's the thing:
I am surprisingly insecure. It surprises even myself. But it very much surprises those around me. The thing is, It's not that I think I'm horrible to be around, I simply cannot let myself believe that anyone would want to spend a lot of their time with me. This has gotten worse as I get older, which is probably backwards, but this is because I had a nice cozy group of friends during those terrible formative years of adolesence, and I didn't really let my insecurity get the best of me.
Nowadays, I don't know what to think. A year and a half ago I had a world-ending crush on a boy. It was sick. I spent all my time with him. He slept in my bed for a month. Then I went home for Christmas break. When I came back he had a girlfriend. CRUSHED doesn't describe it. I hardly got out of bed for three weeks. Last year, I had a similar person in my life. I went to Europe. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Seattle friends, with the exception of a few, have come and gone.
Point is, I no longer have that security that people around me love me regardless. This has led to a weird insecurity. Like maybe I'm not as fun or funny as I used to be. Maybe it was my group of friends that made me worth hanging around with. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone, just hanging around for when other people need me.
I don't like feeling this way. I have a large amount of security in terms of my ability. LSAT? not worried. Law school? easy-peezy. Working 60 hours a week? Still will find time to hang out. But feeling adequate as a person to hang out with? Feeling adequate as a person to date? Yeah, right. I barely want to be around me.
How does one fix this? Clearly I need to learn to like myself more. Clearly I have abandonment and trust issues. But I can't escape the feeling that there is always someone more fun, more funny, more pretty, less issues, whatever than me. And especially in the case of boys, but really everyone, I'm just waiting for people to figure this out and drop me like a bad habit.
I think I need to work on this. Majorly. Probably therapy. Can't afford it. SHIT.
Here's the thing:
I am surprisingly insecure. It surprises even myself. But it very much surprises those around me. The thing is, It's not that I think I'm horrible to be around, I simply cannot let myself believe that anyone would want to spend a lot of their time with me. This has gotten worse as I get older, which is probably backwards, but this is because I had a nice cozy group of friends during those terrible formative years of adolesence, and I didn't really let my insecurity get the best of me.
Nowadays, I don't know what to think. A year and a half ago I had a world-ending crush on a boy. It was sick. I spent all my time with him. He slept in my bed for a month. Then I went home for Christmas break. When I came back he had a girlfriend. CRUSHED doesn't describe it. I hardly got out of bed for three weeks. Last year, I had a similar person in my life. I went to Europe. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Seattle friends, with the exception of a few, have come and gone.
Point is, I no longer have that security that people around me love me regardless. This has led to a weird insecurity. Like maybe I'm not as fun or funny as I used to be. Maybe it was my group of friends that made me worth hanging around with. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone, just hanging around for when other people need me.
I don't like feeling this way. I have a large amount of security in terms of my ability. LSAT? not worried. Law school? easy-peezy. Working 60 hours a week? Still will find time to hang out. But feeling adequate as a person to hang out with? Feeling adequate as a person to date? Yeah, right. I barely want to be around me.
How does one fix this? Clearly I need to learn to like myself more. Clearly I have abandonment and trust issues. But I can't escape the feeling that there is always someone more fun, more funny, more pretty, less issues, whatever than me. And especially in the case of boys, but really everyone, I'm just waiting for people to figure this out and drop me like a bad habit.
I think I need to work on this. Majorly. Probably therapy. Can't afford it. SHIT.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
because i'm only ambitious when i'm bored
A list of things I want to do in the near future (meaning next year or two):
-See the whales in the San Juans.
-Drive down the Oregon coast to Nappa and go wine tasting.
-Visit New Orleans.
-Go camping.
-Go snowboarding.
I definitely need to start doing things around Washington, I could potentially only have one more year here. As of right now I'd opt to leave WA next year, so I better get crackin...
-See the whales in the San Juans.
-Drive down the Oregon coast to Nappa and go wine tasting.
-Visit New Orleans.
-Go camping.
-Go snowboarding.
I definitely need to start doing things around Washington, I could potentially only have one more year here. As of right now I'd opt to leave WA next year, so I better get crackin...
Monday, July 20, 2009
Currently Brenda and I are watching Henry Poole Is Here and it is BORING. Things like people seeing Jesus' face on a wall and then fixing their lives does not interest me when not done properly, apparently. Shame on you, Luke Wilson, this could have been a good movie. It is not. I blame you. YOU. I am also drinking wine. I feel it. I'm hoping it will help me sleep tonight.
Hoping, Hoping, hope, hope?
If Luke Wilson gets cured from his terminal illness in this film I will vomit all over my own living room. I swear it.
Hoping, Hoping, hope, hope?
If Luke Wilson gets cured from his terminal illness in this film I will vomit all over my own living room. I swear it.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Well you wouldn't want an angel watching over you. surprise surprise they wouldn't wanna watch.
My life right now is just very up in the air. I never know who is going to be a good friend and when, I never know how much my bosses are going to like me and when, I don't know where I'll be next year, I never know when my mother will be reliable and when she won't, when my sister will be kind or when she will beat me down, I never know what kind of mood I will wake up in or what kind of dreams I will have.
I think for the most part I like this, I don't want to know what each day will bring, that's no fun. At the same time, I am constantly searching for an anchor. I try to think of grad school and stuff as my anchor....a plan that I have that will lead to happiness. But it's taking forever and in the meantime, I am just floating. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to have something to hold them in place whether that be a loved one or just an ability to stay grounded that I lack. I wish I had that. Someone or something or just the ability. I spend most of my time fighting the urge to just pick up and leave. Leave Seattle, leave my life. Not go home, just go. The only thing that feels right is to just be moving all of the time.
I am restless.
I think for the most part I like this, I don't want to know what each day will bring, that's no fun. At the same time, I am constantly searching for an anchor. I try to think of grad school and stuff as my anchor....a plan that I have that will lead to happiness. But it's taking forever and in the meantime, I am just floating. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to have something to hold them in place whether that be a loved one or just an ability to stay grounded that I lack. I wish I had that. Someone or something or just the ability. I spend most of my time fighting the urge to just pick up and leave. Leave Seattle, leave my life. Not go home, just go. The only thing that feels right is to just be moving all of the time.
I am restless.
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