Some Q's

It should be noted, generally, that most of the time I do not know who I am or what the fuck I am doing. Probably a good 80% of the time.

Some of the things I do-I just don't understand them. WHY do I insist on eating a HUGE lunch everyday, getting sleepy and thus not studying as much as I should in the afternoon? WHY can I never seem to sleep enough? WHY am I living in a dorm? WHY do I stalk certain people via convenient social stalking websites and then compare my life to "theirs" when really all I know about their lives is what they post on a social stalking website, which, I know from personal use, is not a representation of who a person is at all? WHY are cracked pepper olive oil triscuits so good? WHY is it so hard to stick to a very strict workout regime? WHY is trader joe's so far away from GULC? HOW did I get into this school? HOW is my hearing so damaged I can barely hear professors? WHO in their right minds ever thought to tell me this career path was a good idea? WHO DESIGNS JEANS AND WHY DON'T THEY DESIGN THEM FOR MY PARTICULAR BODY TYPE?

Just a few questions.

I just want to know who it works out for. I'd love an example. I want one name. ok, CINDERELLA.

Lately I have to literally stop and think, "wait, is this really MY life?" Things are not perfect. Some things are really really not perfect at all. I'm still not even close to touching anything resembling perfection.

But I can't help and have a little bit of hope that maybe things are starting to fit a little bit into place.

My sister is a bit ridiculous but at times entertaining. Apparently she has kept all emails from me to her since I was about 16. As she says, "I was your diary." She was hoping to print them and give them to me as a college graduation present but felt like I "had more work to do on myself."

However, I think I have earned the honor of re-reading my old sappy depressing emails that I wrote.

The biggest change of all, of course, is that I have been accepted to Georgetown Law.

I like saying it. Not so much to friends and family, but mostly to strangers. By strangers I mean my customers at the cafe and restaurant. Not people on the street. I'm not that crazy.

I've been set on Loyola Chicago. It was a bit of a mind-fuck really. The thought of being in Chicago, still my favorite city to date, was lovely. Fi very close by, many other great friends in the area, partying at Derek's. Do I even have to mention Wrigley?! Starting my new life with a support network. I was set on the plan, dealing with the cons and making the best of the situation. LIKE AN ADULT.

And then it was like the gods said "ok, kate, since you are being so grown up and dealing with the hand life has given you sans the help of extremely heavy drinking or more drama than necessary, we will thus give you what you want."

thus...GEORGETOWN.

I already feel more confident. In a good way, not a snobby way. Not in a "I got into a good school" way but more a "I'm ok, I'm going to be ok, if it was loyola it still would have been ok but this could be great" way.

I'm not sure when I lost this confidence. Always, I've said that I'm confident in my abilities. Not so much in myself but my abilities. I think I just figured out that it's not separate.

ALSO, the scene in Pretty Woman when Vivian is leaving Kit makes me cry. EVERY TIME.

i hate everything about applying and waiting back to hear from grad schools.

everything everything everything.

obvi

http://www.amazon.ca/Kate-Aitkens-Canadian-Cook-Book/dp/1552855910

Obviously, I have been a chef in a former life.

NOT angry.

My least favorite drinks to make at work:

-Americano with steamed milk. Do you know what this is? This is a latte with water. This is bullshit. I've started charging extra for the steamed milk. Of course there are times when I have left over milk from an ACTUAL latte, but there are many times I do not and thus have to poor milk and steam it for your SHORT americano with an inch of steamed milk?!?! A short is only 8 ounces to begin with. I hate you.

-16 or 2o ounce cappucino. THESE DO NOT EXIST ASSHOLE. All Italians hate you.

-Triple Decaf Americano. What the hell is the point of getting an extra shot of DECAF espresso? Just get drip if you need the coffee coffee taste. And then telling me about how your shift is extra long today? Really? This is a waste of time.

-A 20 ounce anything. Your drink is too big. Especially you, Raymond. You are already super overweight and your extra sugar free vanilla syrup in the morning does not make up for your 20 ounces of whole milk or the fact that in the afternoon you get a 20 ounce hot chocolate (NOT sugar free) with vanilla (NOT sugar free) and whole milk again. It does not. Also, stop stalking me.

-Soy Chai latte with a shot of espresso. This is very wrong and you are fooling yourself into thinking it tastes good.

-Italian Sodas with cream and whip cream. GROW UP. Buy a pop.

-Anytime you ask me to put a sugar in your drink. THE SUGAR IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU YOU ARE A LAZY ASS.

I'm sure there are more.

a long time ago, we used to be friends.

Veronica Mars is proof that you can lose your best friend, be sexually assaulted, overcome a bad haircut, have an alcoholic mother and still get up everyday and be a fresh-faced ball of sass and sarcasm. And look mighty fine doing it.

Hey, we all have our heroes.

Great Expectations

Expectations is an interesting concept if you think about it.

Like in the movie 500 days of summer, when it plays the scenario of Tom going over to Googly-eyed girls apartment and it splits the screen with the actual events and his expectations of events.

If you change your expectations, you can change how you feel about people/things.

If you don't expect your friend to call, because you know your friend is bad at calling, you don't get disappointed when they do not call.

If you don't expect someone to stick around, because you know they don't really want to, then when they ditch it's not so bad.

The problem, I find, is that to have realistic expectations of things, you must have a firm grasp on situations and people. If you have unrealistic expectations, usually that's because either A)you don't know the person or situation well enough to know what to realistically expect or B) you're dumb or C) you know what to expect, but you're an honest to god hopeful hopeless person who will continue to expect and want more than you will receive.

I think I tend to fall into the C category, always hoping to be surprised. To be fair, sometimes I fall into the B category. However, I'm going to try to change things a little bit. Not a new years resolution, mind you, more of a way of training my mind a bit differently.

We'll see.

Resolution

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions, but I make them anyway.

-Keep room and car clean.

If you saw either my room or my car, you'd understand.

get get get get get over it.

My mom texted me something somewhat interesting today. At least, interesting to her...

She said "nobody feels what you feel."

I went through a rather traumatic experience both with a boy I had feelings for and a boy I did not have feelings for a little over a month ago. I'm getting the vibe from friends that I should be 'over it.'

I do feel as though I am getting over it, but it takes time, and my natural tendency is to kind of hole up with those who love me. Unfortunately, I am finding it harder and harder to convince people to hole up with me. Mostly, I blame this on our age. As a early-almost-mid-twenties girl, I find that all my friends are in very different spots in life (I may have mentioned this before) and thus it is harder to find someone to commiserate with, since everyone is mostly doing their own thing.

But my mom has a point. Nobody feels what you feel. Sympathy and empathy help, but at any moment most likely nobody you are close to will feel the same thing. I guess this leads me to believe that loneliness really is the human condition, and I wonder if maybe I am trying too hard to feel connected with others. Maybe it's ok to feel alone sometimes. And maybe if everyone wants you to get over it, and you're not, the only thing you can say is fuck off, because they are not you.

don't pay him any attention

I decided to delete my previous post because it delved into a bit of a pity party that I would like to keep private. Sorry for anyone who read it, commented, and then was deleted (mandie).

I took the bus this morning to work because Wed-Fri I start later in the day. I am already feeling more accomplished than usual and it is good. Something about making the bus on time, arriving to work early makes me feel like less of a waste of life.

Which is an interesting topic. How does one know if one is wasting life? Is life ever wasted? I would think prisoners would say, yes you can waste your life by killing someone and ending up in a small cell forever. Then again, prisoners get free room and board, often get free education (albeit a sad education), lots of time to work on their physical fitness and instant friends, enemies and drama. Just kidding folks.

Honestly, though. I've got a lot of things swirling in my head that I would like to do. I'd like to take a trip to New Orleans, I'd like to go bungee jumping and sky diving (bungee on my bday!), I'd like to explore more of Seattle, go on more hikes and try skiing/snowboarding. Some things are more easily accomplished than others, some are limited by time, money and willing participants.

I get scared that my hectic work schedule and financial demands are giving me great excuses to miss out on a lot.

let's not try to figure out everything at once...

I have not been doing well.

I am worried.

Mostly, though, I am anxious to feel like myself again. And act like myself again.

And I hate the waiting part of 'time heals'. Yes, time heals. But waiting for that time to pass is excruciating.

that's what i got for waking up in vegas.

I'm slowly recuperating from Vegas 2009. It was nuts. Apparently there was a VIP room and a bunch of English guys the last night. Hmmmm.

So, Maysie (pronounced Macy, like the store), the new girl at work, is officially the youngest 19 year old I've ever met, and I'm very close to wringing her neck. Today she 'casually' mentioned Capitol Hill in either the context of "I was at this party of Capitol Hill..." or "I was walking around Capitol Hill..." or "People on Capitol Hill..." SIXTEEN FUCKING TIMES. It's just a goddamn neighborhood. I hate her.

I have more to say, but I'm not going to right now.

yo babes.

I encountered a dilemma in respect to blogspot. You see, sometimes I want all my thoughts out there. And sometimes I don't. And sometimes I do and then I change my mind. So I will have two blogs. And I will post accordingly. One is for whomever, one is not. Done.

So I had an insane weekend, and I sure enjoyed a lot of it.

THINGS I ENJOYED:
-Seeing Derek! (duh)
-Taking derek around Udistrict.
-Having derek meet my friends.
-An epic capitol hill night.
-Hanging out with Ben.
-A very good breakfast at Beth's.
-Sightseeing.
-The beautiful weather.
-Losing 2 pounds.
-Some quality time with Brenda.
-Harry Potter IMAX.

THINGS I DID NOT ENJOY:
-Going a little nutty.
-Getting too drunk on Fri and waking up drunk on Sat.
-Finding out that Lisa is moving out.
-Finding out that Ian was laid off.
-Immediately gaining back 2 pounds.
-Some quality time with my flaws.

All in all, it was a weekend for the books. And I'm going to try and focus on the things I enjoyed, and learn from the things I did not enjoy.

LESSONS:
-Never live with more than one person ever again.
-Before going nutty, think about actions.
-Deal with flaws/insecurities in healthier way than drinking.
-Drink lots of water so as not to lose water weight and convince self that it is real weight, instead go to the gym.

Yes, good plan.

this weekend is VEGAS WEEKEND. oh man. OH MAN. I am quite excited.

i know where you're from, but where do you belong?

So it's time to start my law school applications. This is very exciting and nerve-racking. I have a solid list of 9, but who applies to 9 schools??!! Nobody, you add one more and make it a round 10, duh.

I'm not going to list them, mostly because maybe 2 people look at this and they probably have a good idea of where I'm applying. But I've decided to stop sharing this information with people also because I don't need anymore input/advice/pressure. I put enough pressure on myself, thanks.

But the process of narrowing down schools has taught me one thing about myself: I have no fucking clue where I fit in in a geographical sense.

Examples:

-I love big cities. Chicago is one of my favorite towns. Seattle often feels too small. London is somewhere I could see myself living one day.

-I am enchanted with small towns. I love knowing your neighbors. I think the idea of chatting with the locals at the local (insert place here :bar, hairdresser, diner, cafe...) is adorable and something I could get used to.

-I enjoy the convenience, quaintness and best-of-both-worlds sense on neighborhoods outside of cities but still close enough for a commute.

-West coasters are laid back and awesome. Midwesterners are friendly and traditional. East Coasters are unique and fun. Some Southerners are warm and welcoming. I love them all.

-Summer is beautiful and full of adventure. I could do it year-round.

-Fall/Winter/Spring are all amazing in their own right. I love the changing of leaves, bundling up in the snow, splashing in rain puddles.

-Boyfriend? Nope. Indescribably close family ties? Nope. Dog? Nope. Friends that won't stick by me through a move? Nope. Anything tying me to anything? NOPE.

In other words, I can fit in ALMOST anywhere. I'm not huge on the deep south, southern California or Flordia whatsoever, and most of the true midwestern states (Wyoming, Dakotas, Nebraska) are out. But otherwise, I CAN FIT IN ANYWHERE. I'm like a fricken chameleon. It's supposed to be freeing, this sense of going anywhere and meeting anyone. It's also terrifying. I wish there was a sign, a test that is not on facebook, to tell me that THIS is the place I belong (this being anywhere). Or even someone of something giving me a solid reason to stay somewhere. I am so not tied down that I am floating somewhere inbetween flipping a coin and researching if there is a better male-to-female ratio in certain areas. It's sick.

So, I'm extremely adaptable and extremely free to go where I please. I also have no fucking clue where that should be. Awesome.

In other news, I am having a good end to the summer, although I am extremely sad that it is coming to an end at all. I am starting to hang out with Elyse more which I am enjoying immensely.
there was more to this, but i am going to bed.

I solve my issues with people over a shot. Healthy behavior? No. Effective? Completely.

It's amazing just how much I hate my jobs. Enough said about that.

I am going home (AGAIN) next weekend for a family photograph and my sister's baby shower. She is quite pregnant, due on Thanksgiving. We went maternity clothes shopping yesterday.

DEAR LORD.

Do you have any idea how much engineering goes into pregnant people clothes? It's all about nursing for later, I guess. Being discreet about your baby sucking on your boob like the end of the world is near.

who else thinks pregnancy/baby stuff is fucking weird and gross? I do. And I don't care how 'natural' it all is.

It was still pretty funny shopping at Modern Maternity. There were tshirts like "Great things come out of big bellies!" and "I love babies!" Really. One said "I love babies." There were also several 16-17 year olds hanging out with the one preggo 17 year old helping her find stuff. Conversations ranged from "but if i breastfeed my boobs will sag!" and "don't gain too much because you'll get mad stretch marks."

Needless to say we went south to southcenter mall.

After we went and visited my brother in law, Ian, at his new cafe he is supervising. It is called Fonte. It is ridiculously pretentious. They fly in pastries from Europe. Of course, it was delicious and the most amazing coffee I have ever had. Although I was drunk by the time I got the coffee from wine and beer tasting.

I really would love to go on a road trip to Nappa Valley and wine taste. I wouldn't hate being a wine snob. I think I could be a wine snob and still appreciate the $4 trader joes bottle that is really good. TJ's has a great selection of Argentinian wine.

These are random thoughts and the randomness of this is bothering me. I'm going to go to bed instead. I meant to write all about the situation with Hayley (the title came from that) but I didn't. Maybe next time.

Welcome to a world of paralyzing insecurity and crippling self doubt.

This post in gonna be REAL kids. Real honest, mildly uncomfortable. DEAL with it. Or stop reading.

Here's the thing:

I am surprisingly insecure. It surprises even myself. But it very much surprises those around me. The thing is, It's not that I think I'm horrible to be around, I simply cannot let myself believe that anyone would want to spend a lot of their time with me. This has gotten worse as I get older, which is probably backwards, but this is because I had a nice cozy group of friends during those terrible formative years of adolesence, and I didn't really let my insecurity get the best of me.

Nowadays, I don't know what to think. A year and a half ago I had a world-ending crush on a boy. It was sick. I spent all my time with him. He slept in my bed for a month. Then I went home for Christmas break. When I came back he had a girlfriend. CRUSHED doesn't describe it. I hardly got out of bed for three weeks. Last year, I had a similar person in my life. I went to Europe. I'm sure you can guess the rest. Seattle friends, with the exception of a few, have come and gone.

Point is, I no longer have that security that people around me love me regardless. This has led to a weird insecurity. Like maybe I'm not as fun or funny as I used to be. Maybe it was my group of friends that made me worth hanging around with. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone, just hanging around for when other people need me.

I don't like feeling this way. I have a large amount of security in terms of my ability. LSAT? not worried. Law school? easy-peezy. Working 60 hours a week? Still will find time to hang out. But feeling adequate as a person to hang out with? Feeling adequate as a person to date? Yeah, right. I barely want to be around me.

How does one fix this? Clearly I need to learn to like myself more. Clearly I have abandonment and trust issues. But I can't escape the feeling that there is always someone more fun, more funny, more pretty, less issues, whatever than me. And especially in the case of boys, but really everyone, I'm just waiting for people to figure this out and drop me like a bad habit.

I think I need to work on this. Majorly. Probably therapy. Can't afford it. SHIT.

because i'm only ambitious when i'm bored

A list of things I want to do in the near future (meaning next year or two):

-See the whales in the San Juans.

-Drive down the Oregon coast to Nappa and go wine tasting.

-Visit New Orleans.

-Go camping.

-Go snowboarding.

I definitely need to start doing things around Washington, I could potentially only have one more year here. As of right now I'd opt to leave WA next year, so I better get crackin...

Currently Brenda and I are watching Henry Poole Is Here and it is BORING. Things like people seeing Jesus' face on a wall and then fixing their lives does not interest me when not done properly, apparently. Shame on you, Luke Wilson, this could have been a good movie. It is not. I blame you. YOU. I am also drinking wine. I feel it. I'm hoping it will help me sleep tonight.

Hoping, Hoping, hope, hope?

If Luke Wilson gets cured from his terminal illness in this film I will vomit all over my own living room. I swear it.

Well you wouldn't want an angel watching over you. surprise surprise they wouldn't wanna watch.

My life right now is just very up in the air. I never know who is going to be a good friend and when, I never know how much my bosses are going to like me and when, I don't know where I'll be next year, I never know when my mother will be reliable and when she won't, when my sister will be kind or when she will beat me down, I never know what kind of mood I will wake up in or what kind of dreams I will have.

I think for the most part I like this, I don't want to know what each day will bring, that's no fun. At the same time, I am constantly searching for an anchor. I try to think of grad school and stuff as my anchor....a plan that I have that will lead to happiness. But it's taking forever and in the meantime, I am just floating. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to have something to hold them in place whether that be a loved one or just an ability to stay grounded that I lack. I wish I had that. Someone or something or just the ability. I spend most of my time fighting the urge to just pick up and leave. Leave Seattle, leave my life. Not go home, just go. The only thing that feels right is to just be moving all of the time.

I am restless.

So you had a bad day....

I had a bad day. It wasn't terrible, but not good.

My job at Fred Hutch is getting worse and worse in terms of how much I hate it. Today was no exception.

Sostanza wasn't busy tonight, and as stupid as it is I feel there is some cosmic cycle that permanently ensures that Sostanza is not busy on weeknights that I work. This makes going a waste of time and effort. And it makes me bitter that other nights people are making much better money.

I went to the gym. It was unproductive and painful. I've been slacking the last month. Not because of a lack of motivation but a lack of time. I've been drinking a lot more this past month too, because of an increase in frustration, and this does not help me feel well at all. I both love and hate drinking, and the love side of me almost always wins.

I just read the father's day postsecrets. I never think of Father's Day now that my grandpa is gone, and the day usually just passes by. But this year my brother sent me a text that said "Happy Father's Suck Day" which I found sweet and funny that he would think of me, since we usually talk two or three times a year depending on when I visit. It got me down, though, because one of the postsecrets was "I'd rather you be dead. It would be easier to explain why you are gone." and I feel the exact same way. Which may shock people, especially those who know nothing about my father. But it made me realize I don't hate him so much because of the things he did, I hate him because I will forever be the put in the position of not talking about where or who my father is/was out of pure humiliation and the fact that is it such a freaking complicated and diluted situation. Oh well. I don't necessarily wish I could talk about it, but I wish I could tell certain people in my family that he haunts my dreams and pops into my head constantly, however we never ever speak of him except maybe in a way like my brother did via text.

This of course got me thinking of my mom, and how she is in such a terrible place in terms of unemployment and finances, but what makes it all worse is that she is dying alone, drinking bottles and bottles of wine by herself everyday and wasting away slowly, without the hope of finding someone or really the will to ever try again. I mean, ouch.

I'm gonna go ahead and stop typing this, because it is necessary for me to block out certain issues in hope of finding sanity for myself. I often catch myself thinking I wish I were as tough as I used to be instead of the sensitive person I seem to have become, and then I think maybe it's a freaking Godsend that I am as sensitive as I am and not a freaking rock.

I hope tomorow is better.